Her interview was amazing and I could have been sitting there telling my own story. I have a transcript of the interview in front of me and I just want to re-write it using my own words...
When Dana Woods married Wasband Underwood in 1989, she asked him for one thing - fidelity. "I wanted him to be faithful to me, It was very important."
To many, the Underwood's marriage seemed unbreakable. After waiting 4 years to start a family, they miscarried their first child. They mourned this loss and grew up a lot during that time. Months later, they celebrated with the birth of their daughter, Emily and four years later, another daughter, Kensley. Many years later, they celebrated the adoption of their youngest child, Edison, a son.
During Wasband's career as a police officer, Dana was a constant support. Although the long hours, odd shifts and travel and stress of being married to a "cop" took a toll on her physically, emotionally, and mentally, she stood by him.
Unlike John, Wasband did not tell me that he had broken the promise he had made 19 years earlier, instead she learned through a text message. It was several more months before she learned the extent of his unfaithfulness.
I'm not sitting with Oprah in the dream house Wasband and I built together, instead, I sit at my computer in a much smaller home that I now rent. I will continue to share my thoughts as they correspond with Elizabeth's story.
The first time I found out, I cried, I sceamed and I cried some more. When I first confirmed what I knew in my heart had happened months before, I too, threw up. I threw up in the Wal-Mart parking lot. I have had lots of really tough nights!
Like Oprah's agreement with Elizabeth, I will not mention the other woman by name. Wasband told me initially that the other woman was out of his life; but I later learned that was not the truth. Unlike John, Wasband never said that "he had regretted what he had done".
Fortunately, I didn't have to ask Wasband to drop out of a presidential race - so I will skip this portion of the transcript.
Everthing was overwhelming for me. I was angry and hurt and had a lot of self-doubt about who I was and what I meant to Wasband. I could totally relate when Elizabeth stated she was thinking "all those things [other women] in my position go through."
John and Elizabeth attempted to keep the affair a secret. At first, I did the same - telling no one that we were having problems, until I realized Wasband had no intention of trying to work things out. Rumors were circulating - lots of people noticed Wasband's weight loss, his increased phone usage, his excessive travel, his inability to look people in the eye. People kept telling me there was someone else and I continued to deny it wanting to protect Wasband.
Months later, the truth finally came out. Fortunately, millions weren't watching on Nightline. I don't guess Wasband has ever publically admitted he had cheated on me. I think Elizabeth is blessed to have a husband like John who said, "Let me say this, and I want to say it absolutely clearly, I was wrong, and I am responsible."
My story drifts a little from Elizabeth's at this point. When John admitted publicly that he had cheated, Elizabeth was struggling with another admission John had made. She had learned the whole truth - that his relationship with the other woman was not a one-time indiscretion. I did not learn the whole truth until two months after our divorce was final. John admitted he had cheated more than once and in fact, the affair had lasted for months. I learned that Wasband's affair had been going on almost the entire time we had been adopting our son.
In Elizabeth's words - which could be mine "It felt like a blow to me...It was so hard for me to even imagine such a thing." Learning that it had hapened more than once. "That was probably the worst...they compete for the worst moment because [of] all the work we'd done, all the trust we'd tried to build."
To try to make sense of Wasband's betrayal, I asked him how it started. By his account, they met each other while he was working. By John's account, his affair began with just four words -- "You are so hot." I wonder if that is how Wasband's began????
While working on a long-term investigation, Wasband met the other woman, they began having lunch together, and that led to more...
Like Elizabeth, I would have wagered my home on the fact that Wasband, my husband of 19+ years at the time, would never have responded to this sort of come-on. Elizabeth stated she doesn't think John knows to this day why he said yes." I wonder the same thing about Wasband.
The next part of this transcript strikes such a nerve with me.
Like many women in her situation, Elizabeth says she wanted to know the
details of her husband's affair. "I'm a puzzle-doer." she says.
"I had pieces of the puzzle, and I felt like it was going to make sense if I
had all the pieces."
I have never been given all the pieces and was recently told I was not entitled to them because we are now divorced and none of that matters! I have so many questions... I remember one time asking Wasband if he loved her because in the text message he said he did. He said he didn't know. It seemed impossible to me. Like the other woman in John and Elizabeth's life, this other woman in my life was very, very different from me and really very different from him.
To this day, I don't really know why he cheated. I don't know if he has tried to figure it out. He says he has talked to people to try to work that out but I personally don't think he has talked to the right people. I think he needs to get back in touch with the people who know who he really is. He avoids all of his old friends. He avoids all the people from our church - a church he had been a member of for more than 20 years. Wasband had the opportunity for an affair and I think it turned into more than he thought it would. The consequences for him have been minimal. I am the one who has lost everything.
Elizabeth says she encountered the other woman once and didn't really meet her. They were just in the same place at the same time. I, on the other hand, have had to deal with the other woman in my life on a weekly basis. Wasband enjoys bringing her to every sporting event my child participates in. He even wanted her to be a part of Edison's 1st birthday party, but I told him I was not ready for that. He and his family chose not to come and instead, had their own party. That is okay. I still stand by the decision I made. I am not ready.
At first, like Elizabeth, I wondered if I did something to cause the affair but I have come to the conclusion that it was never about me. I hold Wasband and the other woman responsible.
"I blame [Wasband], but also, women need to have more respect for other women," she says. "It takes a lot of work to put together a marriage, to put together a family and a home.... You have to have enough respect for other human beings to leave their lives alone. If you admire that life, build it for yourself. Don't just try to come in and take somebody else's life."
[skipping another part of the transcript that does not apply]
Elizabeth says part of being resilient is deciding to make yourself miserable over something that matters... or making yourself miserable about something that doesn't matter. This is where our stories drift apart but I wish they were still parallel.
These days, Elizabeth says she and John are still living under the same roof and trying to make their marriage work. In Resilience, she writes, "He can try to treat the wound, and he has tried. He can try to make me less afraid, and he has tried. But I am now a different person. The way we were is no longer the way we can be."
Wasband and I no longer reside under the same room and actually our divorce is already final. I would give anything if Wasband had tried to treat the wound or tried to make me less afraid, but he chose to walk away. I am a different person but I still pray for my family to be reunited.
I always thought of myself as self-confident and comfortable with myself. Like Elizabeth I had a pretty good idea of who I was, what my limitations were and knew my virtues. I pretty much spoke my mind and if someone disagreed with me, it didn't bother me too much. I looked like I looked and although I too, have struggled with my weight or other things - all in all - I felt secure in my life and who I was.
Things changed when Wasband cheated. My sense of self was shaken. Everything I do, everything I think is questioned by ME. I worry about how I look, about my wrinkles, my weight, my smile, my attitude - not to mention the stresses of being a single mom, holding a job, being totally dependent on myself, having no benefits, worrying about retirement, my children, and I could go on and on and on....
John and Elizabeth are focused on rebuilding trust, which she says is a slow process. "It means that sometimes he has to have conversations he doesn't want to have," she says. I would love nothing more than to work on rebuilding that trust and I know it would be hard and slow-going.
Elizabeth says she will not let John's affair define HER life or her marriage. "This is a really good man who really did a very, very bad thing. If you take that piece out, I do have a perfect marriage. I have a husband who adores me, who is unbelievable with my children," she says. "And in times where I have been in enormous pain, with the [miscarriage or family deaths], he's been by my side." I know that Wasband is a really good man. For so many years, he adored me and he, too, is unbelievable with our children. Until recently, he was always by my side and I miss him. It is like a death - but he is still here. I continue to have to see him - going on with his life with someone else in my place.
Again, like Elizabeth, there are moments when I wish to protect Wasband. I wanted him and me and our children, to come out of this like we were. I know that will not happen. Wasband was well-respected in our community and I know that a lot of that respect has been lost. He hurt many people - not just me and my children or my family - he has hurt our friends and people who looked up to him. I do not want him to be defined by his choice of unfaithfulness but when he continues to have a relationship with a married woman - there is nothing I can do about that!
Elizabeth was asked by Oprah "Are you still in love with him?" and Elizabeth's response was that it was a complicated question because when you are mad at somebody, it's really hard. I agree with her answer. She went on to say that "trust is a very important part of love". Wasband and I were told during pre-marital counseling that "trust is a major part of a relationship" and we used to always say that to one another. Somewhere along the way - this was forgotten. I will always love Wasband and cannot imagine not loving him.
A quote from her book says, "The only way to find peace, the only way to be resilient when these landmines explode beneath your foundation is to first to accept that there is a new reality."
This is my reality - I am divorced. I am lonely. The person I loved most in the world betrayed me. I now have to share my children. I am totally dependent on my own self. I am humiliated. My self-esteem has been shattered. I am scared.
John stated that when he told Elizabeth about his affair, he didn't know if she would leave ... but he was afraid she might. I don't think Wasband ever cared, actually, I think he got what he wanted - he wanted me to leave.
Resilience - I'm going to Wal-Mart at lunch on Friday to purchase it. Although Elizabeth's story branches off from mine - at a time I wish it would have remained parallel, I realize that I must be resilient. My goal is to be resilient. I am divorced but it is never too late to live happily ever after. I am lonely now but that doesn't mean I always will be. The person I loved most in the world betrayed me but the person I love most in the world now - is God - and I know that he will NEVER betray me. I do have to share custody of and time with my children but when I have them, I will make the most of our time together and when I don't have them, it will give me an opportunity to regenerate and focus on ME! I am dependent on myself to provide food, shelter and clothing to me and my children but I can do it! I was humiliated but this affair was not about me. I did everything I could to save our marriage and preserve our family. My self-esteem - well that may take awhile. I can't undo the fact that I am just a few years shy of 40. I've lost some weight and still have much more to go. My eyes do not have the sparkle they once had and my smile is not quite the same. I do, however, still have the same morals and values I have always had. As for being scared - I think I will always be scared of something - while I think a lot of my fears will be alleviated in the future, it will be hard to trust another but I can do all things through Christ who stengthens me.
Oprah Interviews Elizabeth Edwards: http://www.oprah.com/printarticlefull/oprahshow/20090328-tows-elizabeth-edwards
Do not see the similarities. Edwards stayed, yours left. Blaming the other woman is natural, but it took two. Get him out of your life and move on with a new one.
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